Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Penis Naming and Condom Costs

So I had a conversation with The Fairy FuckMother today about an odd thing I've noticed with men... a lot of them like to name their dicks...

Who knows why.

Since she's a lesbian she hasn't encountered this and so we had a few good laughs about the whole thing. I've personally met The General and a particularly tiny chode known as The Anaconda. I asked if any of the women she's been with have ever named their business... apparently not. Although after a fit of giggles I decided I'm going to start calling mine the cave of wonders.

Honestly, same.

We decided to send a SnapChat to a gay friend of ours to find out if this is unique to straight men... turn out it is. Hey straight guys, stop doing weird shit.

Update: We've started asking random men if they name theirs and if so what they call it.

So anyway, after our riveting chat about penis naming we switched topics. I've been having some particularly racy chats with Old Friend and although I'm not a typical Tinderella (no judgement, you do you girl) I have a pretty strong feeling we're going to sleep together. I've known him forever and I feel pretty comfortable with him and hey... I have needs, okay?

Although I pretty much knew the answer, I had to ask Fairy FuckMother, do I buy the rubbers? I mean part of me expects men to take that responsibility on for themselves, but most men aren't too bright, even the smart ones do stupid stuff. She and I both agree that it's probably best for me to be prepared because then if he isn't, we're still on to boogie. So after classes I decided I'd drive my ass to CVS to pick up some love gloves (side note: do people still call them that?)

I'm gonna give you a little side story here folks. No judgement though, okay? I was with my ex for 7 years... when do you think the last time we used condoms was? Give you a hint, I can't remember. We were both clean and used other methods. Not gonna lie, it was pretty nice. I remembered before that having some discomfort with condoms. Now I know they aren't all created equal, but when you're broke and young you use what you can get.

Now I have a new problem... what if I don't like condom sex because I've been spoiled? I love sex. I don't want to give it up or worse... have bad sex! So I did what anyone else would do; I Googled.

Never did I think I was going to have to type the phrase: we didn't use condoms, how do I get used to using them again.

Look, if you don't ask, you can't know. And wouldn't you know it, I found an article from a girl in EXACTLY my situation. She was in a 7 year relationship with her boyfriend, they never used condoms, they broke up and she was back in the dating scene and had no frickin clue. YES!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!!

Let me just tell you, home girl is the real MVP. She fucking researched the best condoms by feel and put them to the test! Patron Saint of Single Ladies. Just saying.


So after reading her thorough review I decided on what I was getting. So I put on my big girl panties and march into CVS and head right to the rubbers. Here were my exact thoughts:

Wow! There is a LOT more variety now.
Alright, where the fuck are the ones I want?
Come on, in and out, let's go! Find them and get out of here.
Oh! That's them!
12 pack?! I don't think I need 12... maybe they have one of those little travel packs.
Nope, only the shitty kind in the travel packs.
Okay guess I'll get 12, what the hell, I'll use 'em.
... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THESE FUCKERS ARE HOW MUCH?!

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Trojan Pleasure Pack 12 Count cost me $17

That's over a dollar per fuck... better be worth it.

And granted, yes cheaper than a pregnancy and better than an STD and I did pay a premium to not feel like I was fucking a guy wearing rainboot thick rubber, but STILL! You want to reduce STD numbers and pregnancies? Make good condoms for better prices. I didn't even get the most expensive kind! (Update: I checked and Amazon has them cheaper, so if I need a restock I know where I'm going)

Time will tell if these puppies were worth it.

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