Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Penis Naming and Condom Costs

So I had a conversation with The Fairy FuckMother today about an odd thing I've noticed with men... a lot of them like to name their dicks...

Who knows why.

Since she's a lesbian she hasn't encountered this and so we had a few good laughs about the whole thing. I've personally met The General and a particularly tiny chode known as The Anaconda. I asked if any of the women she's been with have ever named their business... apparently not. Although after a fit of giggles I decided I'm going to start calling mine the cave of wonders.

Honestly, same.

We decided to send a SnapChat to a gay friend of ours to find out if this is unique to straight men... turn out it is. Hey straight guys, stop doing weird shit.

Update: We've started asking random men if they name theirs and if so what they call it.

So anyway, after our riveting chat about penis naming we switched topics. I've been having some particularly racy chats with Old Friend and although I'm not a typical Tinderella (no judgement, you do you girl) I have a pretty strong feeling we're going to sleep together. I've known him forever and I feel pretty comfortable with him and hey... I have needs, okay?

Although I pretty much knew the answer, I had to ask Fairy FuckMother, do I buy the rubbers? I mean part of me expects men to take that responsibility on for themselves, but most men aren't too bright, even the smart ones do stupid stuff. She and I both agree that it's probably best for me to be prepared because then if he isn't, we're still on to boogie. So after classes I decided I'd drive my ass to CVS to pick up some love gloves (side note: do people still call them that?)

I'm gonna give you a little side story here folks. No judgement though, okay? I was with my ex for 7 years... when do you think the last time we used condoms was? Give you a hint, I can't remember. We were both clean and used other methods. Not gonna lie, it was pretty nice. I remembered before that having some discomfort with condoms. Now I know they aren't all created equal, but when you're broke and young you use what you can get.

Now I have a new problem... what if I don't like condom sex because I've been spoiled? I love sex. I don't want to give it up or worse... have bad sex! So I did what anyone else would do; I Googled.

Never did I think I was going to have to type the phrase: we didn't use condoms, how do I get used to using them again.

Look, if you don't ask, you can't know. And wouldn't you know it, I found an article from a girl in EXACTLY my situation. She was in a 7 year relationship with her boyfriend, they never used condoms, they broke up and she was back in the dating scene and had no frickin clue. YES!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!!

Let me just tell you, home girl is the real MVP. She fucking researched the best condoms by feel and put them to the test! Patron Saint of Single Ladies. Just saying.


So after reading her thorough review I decided on what I was getting. So I put on my big girl panties and march into CVS and head right to the rubbers. Here were my exact thoughts:

Wow! There is a LOT more variety now.
Alright, where the fuck are the ones I want?
Come on, in and out, let's go! Find them and get out of here.
Oh! That's them!
12 pack?! I don't think I need 12... maybe they have one of those little travel packs.
Nope, only the shitty kind in the travel packs.
Okay guess I'll get 12, what the hell, I'll use 'em.
... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THESE FUCKERS ARE HOW MUCH?!

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Trojan Pleasure Pack 12 Count cost me $17

That's over a dollar per fuck... better be worth it.

And granted, yes cheaper than a pregnancy and better than an STD and I did pay a premium to not feel like I was fucking a guy wearing rainboot thick rubber, but STILL! You want to reduce STD numbers and pregnancies? Make good condoms for better prices. I didn't even get the most expensive kind! (Update: I checked and Amazon has them cheaper, so if I need a restock I know where I'm going)

Time will tell if these puppies were worth it.

Tales of A Sexting Virgin

I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I like and all that jazz, but I've never had someone in my life who could tête–à–tête so to speak. See in the bedroom I have no qualms about giving directions or explaining what I want, but I've never had the experience of sexting someone. My exs were all too dumb or too disinterested to respond in kind. I would try to initiate and get shut down which does wonders for killing the mood.

My good friend and Fairy Fuck-mother has been guiding through this process and has definitely encouraged me to explore all avenues. She's also a big advocate for textual foreplay as I'm calling it. 

Old Friend has been giving me the experience of a lifetime. The stuff he sends me literally ends up giving me chills. There's something so satisfying about dirty texting at the most inappropriate of times. She was right, it's very gratifying.

As a side note, this now constitutes as the longest foreplay of my life. No matter how tonight turns out, this was worth it.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Heating up my cold nights...

Okay so I know that I'm sick as a dog and all, but sometimes you can't what else you're feeling. Look I'm going to be totally honest with you guys... it's been like 2 months since I've gotten laid and it is not easy. I'm not going to turn into a Tinder slut, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a total prude either.

So while I was too sick to talk to/go out with The Cowboy (honestly, interest in this one faded faaast) I wasn't too sick to talk to The Old Friend. He started out our conversation asking if people who already know each other can just skip the cheesy Tinder pick up lines. We caught up a bit and started flirting with each other and we have a date booked for Tuesday. We've been talking for almost a week now and things have been heating up between us. Let me give you some backstory...

You see Old Friend and I go back at least a decade, all the way back to our high school years. I had a crush on him at one point, but he was always dating someone, including at one point a friend (not a close friend, but more than an acquaintance.) We ran into each other in college a few times and sort of stayed in touch on and off. I think it's because of this our conversations have just been so natural. There isn't this need to impress each other and figure each other out because we already know each other so we can focus more on the dating and flirting aspects. He's very funny and very intelligent and apparently as horny as I am.

The first few days were just catching up and joking around, making plans and the like. Then I joked about how cold it's been and how great it would be to have someone to snuggle up with. Much like snuggling, the conversation escalated fairly quickly. The conversation turned into playfully dirty texting. And in the back of my mind I kept thinking back to how I had heard that even in high school he was pretty good in bed... Leave it to me to be hacking up a lung and chugging Delsym and still wanting to get laid. I'm pretty sure part of my brain is male.

So talk of cuddling quickly went to kissing and biting. And then that escalated too... This very quickly became written foreplay and can now go down as the hottest conversation I have ever had. I won't go into details, but it basically turned into us telling each other what we like and him then proceeding to tell me things he could do to me. He does it in such a way that it isn't crude, it's sexy. It's like a breathy whisper that just turns you on. And somehow even without me telling him, he knows exactly what works for me. We'll have to see if he walks the walk so to speak...

Now again, I was NOT planning on jumping into bed with anyone... but for the record let me just say again that I have known him for a decade. Now while I don't care what people do, I've never been the type to just sleep with anyone and everyone... but I have needs and he seems very qualified to take care of them.

You see last night as our conversation got steamier I had to give myself a talk. I am a grown ass woman and if I want to sleep with someone I can and no one is going to judge me and if they do I don't give a damn. It's hard for me to change my whole mindset, but my old mindset kept getting me in the same shitty situations with the same types of shitty boyfriends. So it's out with old and in with the new.

We're going out tomorrow night and I can't wait. No matter how it turns out I'm sure it's going to be an amazing night out. He's smart and he's funny and we have great conversations. In case the night goes really well though, I'm leaving my work clothes in the car ;)


Sunday, November 20, 2016

My Date with The Italian

So as you know this was the date I was looking forward to the most so far. He's sweet, intelligent and shares my ridiculous sense of humor. We had plans for dinner at a Mexican place in Newport (guac is the way to my heart) and I got myself all dolled up... I didn't know it was going to drizzle.
Dear Mother Nature,
Piss off. I finally felt well enough to go on a date and you fucked up my hair. Thanks a lot.

Date prep included taking an allergy pill while washing it down with Delsym and tons of allergy eye drops before putting in my contacts. Got my hair done by the girl at work. Put on some lingerie (hey you never know!) and half my arsenal of makeup. All of this made me look like a reasonably healthy person, so mission accomplished.

After searching for parking and finally finding the restaurant I met him at the door, we actually walked up at pretty much the same time. Quick hug and kiss on the cheek and we went in.

He hadn't made reservations...

Okay... strike one. I know this might sound silly, but that's kind of a basic date prep step. It's an hour and a half wait...But alright, no worries, let's see how he handles it.

So he asks me what I want to do, do I want to walk around and see what else there might be? So I said sure and we strolled through Newport (in a drizzle) getting to know one another. Finally I said, "Do you want to go get a drink?" and we found a bar and headed into the warmth.

I got one drink and was tipsy as fuck... Granted it had like 4 kinds of booze in it, but still! I swear something happens in your mid twenties where if you don't keep up with it, your tolerance goes waaaay down.

So the restaurant texts us and says our table is ready and I guzzle down the rest of my drink. Let's just think this through for a sec, shall we?
- One strong as fuck drink
- One now tipsy girl
- 4 inch heels on said girl
- A mix of sidewalk and cobblestone

Well this is going to be cute...

So I hop off my chair, at a high top table nonetheless, and quickly realize this is going to take a lot of effort to make it back to the restaurant. Well this sweet (and sauve) gentleman puts his arm around me and holds me to make sure I'm okay. I quickly explain that this is not par for the course for me and I hope he doesn't hold it against me. (In the back of my mind I'm thinking, Oh yeah, because he is definitely going to hold it against you that you gave him a reason to touch you.)

So we finally get to the restaurant after many giggles and more chatting and as we sit down I realize: even though I haven't eaten, I'm suddenly not hungry. So we order the guacamole that he's told me so much about. He ends up trying to feed me which is kind of cute (albeit a little odd for a first date) until you really think about it. Chips and guac is not easy to feed to someone. It's not like a seductive bite off someone's fork, this is a chip. Chips break apart... so I sort of had to help hold the chip so it wouldn't break and land with guac on my dress. His intentions were sweet.

So we've been out for a couple of hours, we've done some hand holding, and he's brushed his hand on my thigh a few times. We're sitting pretty close together, I'm ever so slightly leaned in, I'm giving him the look and... nothing is happening. We start talking again. Okay reset, let's try again... nope still nothing. This goes on for probably an hour.

And then he finally kissed me...

Whelp... that was disappointing.

He checks lots of my boxes, but kissing is pretty much my favorite part, and this was... bad.

So lemme give you the break down of how a first kiss should go, just in case you don't know.
You both lean in ever so slightly, each one moving just the tiniest bit closer.
Your lips sort of brush together in a soft way a few times.
Then as you start to get a feel for one another, your lips part and maybe if you start to get adventurous you might start using some tongue.

What you don't do is swallow the other person whole...

I'm gonna chalk it up to nerves... for now. He went in open mouthed and way too wide and a bit aggressive for my liking. I tried a few pullbacks to give him the hint, but nope. And then... oh the nail in the coffin... smile "That was nice..." No. No commentary. Just no. Shut up and let your mouth do the talking... no wait that doesn't work either. You know what I mean.

So the date comes to a close, we plan a second date (he's a great guy so he gets a chance to make up for bad kissing) and he walks me to my car. We do the goodnight kiss and it's slightly better. This time hands get involved and he pulls me in close to him... okay NOW we're getting somewhere. Still not the best kiss, but better than before.

Side note: Worst kiss I ever had was from a very short term boyfriend. I nicknamed him The Dentist... he licked my teeth during it... It was like 14 years ago and I still cringe.

Overall I really liked him and so he's getting another chance, next Friday night.

I'll keep you posted.

Friday, November 18, 2016

A hot weekend goes cold

Well this sucks... Here I was all excited for the first of many scheduled dates and someone on campus has given me the plague. Okay so maybe it's not the plague, but it feels like the flu and that's just as bad for my dating life. Tonight was supposed to be my date with The Cowboy and I confirmed with him last night and everything. Too bad this morning I feel like I was hit by a truck despite 2 nights of Theraflu already and taking allergy medicine with Delsym. I can actually feel the hate coming from my liver right now, but if I stop being able to breathe it won't really matter.

I felt like a total bitch this morning, but I texted The Cowboy to let him know and he took 8 hours to text back. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad about it. Not only was I driving an hour to meet him for line dancing, but he started getting a little weird in his texts, so goodbye! Another one bites the dust! And there are lots more waiting for dates.

The other reason I wanted to cancel was that I'm seeing The Italian tomorrow and I'm super into him. If I don't rest today, I'll never be better in time for our date. So tonight it's another disgusting mug of Theraflu and an early turn in with the hopes that tomorrow I'm not a disgusting incubus of plague.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

A harem of men

Remember back when I said how addicting swiping on Tinder is? You can REALLY get caught up in it. Yes there are a few weirdos like people who want you to be the third in their threesome or who openly ask if you want to help them cheat on their girlfriend. On the flip side there are also some decent guys and a lot of opportunities for good conversations. It's like interviewing before they actually get your number or a date and if you don't like them there are a dozen more waiting. It's all very new to me, but definitely more exciting and less scary than I was expecting.

I have quite a few guys I've been talking to and it's so hard to keep track! Especially because there are 3 sets of 2 guys with the same name. It's also hard to keep track of the conversations. So my new plan is that every time a conversation fizzles out I'll replace him with a new guy and then I won't overwhelm myself. I feel like such a conversation slut. My date count is up to 5 (all pending) and I am feeling gooood. My ex was extra douche-y via text and so it makes it even better. Also I love the irony that he's still paying my phone bill and I'm using said phone to meet men and schedule dates. Sometimes I just let that feeling sink in. Now I know why the Sith just want you to let the hate flow through you. Sometimes it's good to be bad.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Speed dating followed me home

While there were many giggles to be had about the whole speed dating thing, I think I assumed it would be a What Happens At ComicCon type situation.

Oh how wrong I was.

Yes, I'm being a bit dramatic, but if I wasn't you wouldn't still be reading. Anyway it turns out that one of the guys I talked with who gave me his number goes to my university... fuck. I got out of an exam and was hanging out with some friends when I see a familiar face that I can't place... and then he gives me this dreamy look and a shy little wave and that's when I remember. This little ewok looking guy was at speed dating and now knows where I go to school. I'm going to have to remember to dodge him. I'm sure he's nice, but the speed dating was just for fun.

Monday, November 14, 2016

And the list keeps growing...

If someone ever invents a time machine my first order of business will be to go find high school me and say, "look, I know it sucks right now, but trust me, IT GETS BETTER." If I had known then that all the popular bitches were just sluts who would peak in high school and that one day I'd be smart and funny and reasonably attractive with men falling at my feet, I'd have fared a lot better. Not to sound conceited, but when you've been put down for 2 decades it takes a lot to look yourself in the mirror and feel worth it and damn it, I am!

So with this weekend coming to a close I not only have my list of 15 men (who let's face it, I'm probably never going to call, but also a few new matches on Tinder and even some real flesh and blood men vying for my attention. This weekend I met 2 men at ComicCon who were interested in me, we'll call them Line Guy and Comic Book Guy.

Let's start with Comic Book Guy. He's a sweet comic book nerd with a Clark Kent vibe that makes him cute. He's well spoken and funny and we had some laughs. I ended up back at his booth a few times and the flirting continued. I made a joke about "Will date for comics just so you know." So I made sure before I left to give him my card and tell him to get in touch if he ever wanted to. Guess who already got an email with the subject line "Will date for comics?" We're going out to dinner next Saturday night.

And now let's get to Line Guy... oh this poor fool. He's in love with me and he only met me for 5 minutes. When I say he's in love with me I don't mean this lightly. I met him on Saturday while getting in line to have Stan Lee sign my comic (see Line Guy makes sense now) and we started talking. He's really sweet and he works for one of the companies that authenticates comics, I won't say which one. During the course of our very brief conversation I mentioned the satisfaction I was going to have once Stan signed my comic and I could show to my ex who idolizes Stan and how much of an ass he'd feel like. See he didn't want to go to CC with me and said he didn't have fun in the past for various stupid reasons. Now here I was, about to meet his idol and get his autograph and I'm sorry, but it felt good to be mean. So by now I can see Line Guy's eyes lighting up. He tells me what an idiot my ex is for giving me up. He would kill for a girl who likes comics, especially a gorgeous woman like me. (All this flattery is going to give me a big head any day now.) I decide, what the hell, he's kinda cute and he seems nice, and gave him my number. He tells me to make sure I don't leave without saying goodbye.

He proceeded to text me most of Saturday and then most of Sunday. I apologized for not really getting to see him and not having a chance to grab a drink since it was so crazy busy. He basically went on to joke about proposing to me and wanting me to come see him in New York. How he'd treat me like a princess, not like my dumb ex. He'll take me anywhere I want to go and do anything I want to do. I tell him he only met me for 5 minutes and I could be a total crazy person. He goes on to say that he's a good judge of character and maybe he likes crazy girls. He asks me about my life and what I like and we talked for a while. Our conversation was frequently punctuated by lines like: "Your smile lights things up and lifts people's attitudes." "You're amazing" "I can't stop thinking about you." "Your eyes are gorgeous." "You have one amazing body. You've got it all girl." "You're the perfect girl." "You need a guy who wants you to be his princess." "You need someone who wants you to be their Gwen, someone like me." (As in Gwen Stacy, if you don't know, Google her.) "I have a lot of love to give." and let's not forget quite a few mentions of proposing to me.

Since my phone number is linked to my snapchat, he's also been sending me tons of snaps including many videos of the song You're Beautiful... I might be wrong, but I think the boy is in love.

On top of all this I've had some new matches on Tinder and swapped numbers with a few guys and made some plans. Oh... and I got super liked by someone I know. I danced around it for a while not sure what to do. Years ago I had a crush on him and we've been friends for a long time. It's been a while since I had seen him and I bounced between "What the hell, what's the worst that can happen?" and "Oh my god someone you know has found you on Tinder! ABORT! ABORT!" Finally I decided to swipe him right and so far, so good. We're going to call him The Old Friend from now on.

I also scheduled dates with The Cowboy (we're going line dancing and half his photos are of him in cowboy hats) and The Italian (we've been texting non stop and I really like him. We're going to dinner in Newport.) There's also my upcoming date with Comic Book Guy... not too shabby if I say so myself.

We'll see what the rest of the week brings.



Sunday, November 13, 2016

Phaser Penis

Okay so now I can elaborate a bit on this. So as you may recall Q drew a picture for my friend and he may or may not have also attempted to draw a dick. I say attempted because it was the strangest looking dick drawing I've ever seen and I watched Superbad. There were some odd bits like a pointy spot and what looked like the handle of a gun... so... Phaser Penis.

So my friends and I walked around ComicCon having a great time and we were perusing the artist tables and we came across one guy who's artwork we really liked. We'll call him The Artist (I know, I'm so damn creative.) We spent quite a bit of time at his booth chatting him up and generally having some laughs when somehow the subject of the Phaser Penis comes up. Of course this lead to a very bewildered expression as he asked, "Phaser penis?" So a back and forth ensues as we keep saying phaser penis to each other and then we realized he thought we said the guy drew a "face or penis" and that's why he was so confused. He's British and so it very quickly turned into calling it a willy.

My friend ended up pulling out the drawing to show him and we explained the whole story. After many more dirty jokes and laughs he decides he's going to take on the challenge of drawing a "face or penis" for us. We exchanged numbers and chatted for the rest of the weekend. We had planned on getting drinks with him, but it just didn't happen, it was just far too busy. But we did agree to chat if he comes back sometime (he lives in Florida now) and we're going to continue to get in touch.

By the end of the weekend he gifted us with some of his artwork which I'll be framing and putting up in my house although sadly it isn't Face or Penis. Maybe I'll get that one by mail...

Friday, November 11, 2016

Sci Fi Speed Dating

Oh man... my life is full of a LOT of firsts lately. So today was the first day of ComicCon and I went with 2 friends. As we're walking around we pass the sign up table for Sci Fi Speed Dating. Now I saw them there last year, but I was with the Ex and so we just laughed it off. This year however I'm a single lady... and my friends thought it would be a brilliant idea for me to sign up. You better believe I dragged them along. We figured since it's free for ladies what the hell? We'll get a few laughs, have some awkward moments, and who knows, maybe we'd meet some decent guys. So we sign up and get told to be back promptly at 6:00pm. Well wouldn't you know that as we're walking around I run into an old boss of mine who I was very close with and 2 of her friends and they're all single. I figured the more the merrier and convinced them to sign up too.

So we go off exploring all the nerdy wonders of ComicCon while killing time and then realize we have 5 minutes to be there. We managed to work our way through the crowd and get there just in the nick of time. Let's just say my old boss was not super amused, "If you got us to sign up and then didn't show up I was going to kill you." We all just kind of laughed and then met the jedi who runs the whole thing and brought us down the hall. About 20 women shuffled into the ballroom where we were given the rundown. The guy who runs it is hysterically funny and he really does care about the safety and comfort of the women who attend.  He explained that he developed 2 very subtle signals in case we feel uncomfortable in any way, one to say this is weird, but I can wait until the date is over and one that is get me the hell out of here. He also keeps an eye out to watch for subtle signs of the women getting uncomfortable and if he sees something, he'll switch the rotation early. He explained he was going to bring in the guys and give them a whole spiel before we started. Dates would be 3 minutes long and everyone gets an index card and a pen as well as a numbered badge, the whole thing is totally anonymous and they can't ask for your name or your number. If they like you or you like them you simply write down their badge number for the end.

There were twice as many men as women and so all us ladies skipped one chair in between us and the men would alternate between talking to a woman and waiting for a turn. My friends and I scoped out the room and decided there were a few guys who weren't too bad looking and hopefully they'd come around quickly. One of the last (and best) things our jedi dating master said before we started? "Guys, if you're just here to get laid, you can leave right now... And ladies, if you're here just to get laid, well... you can take your pick." And we were off.

My starting partner was a gorilla... and no, I don't mean that in an insulting way, I mean he was literally dressed in a gorilla suit. It was an awkward 3 minutes, but I tried to just be polite. A few more guys came through the rotation and then Q was across from me. I call him Q because as you'll find out later, that's his name on Snapchat. He was fairly drunk, but seemingly normal. He was that special kind of confident that only comes out when men have been drinking, but overall harmless. It was a pleasant enough 3 minutes, but we'll get back to him later on. Several more guys in various states of nervousness came by including one gentlemen who was twice my age and just kind of shy, but very polite and another who could have been someone's odd grandpa. Honestly, I described him as reminding me of Rumplestiltskin on Once Upon a Time only older and creepier and my friends agreed. There was one poor soul who was probably no more than 20 and literally was shaking with anxiety every time I spoke to him. I told him I didn't bite... hard. I don't think it helped. Finally we get through the dates (we only met about 1/3 of the guys otherwise we would have been there 2 hours) and it was about time, because I can only be polite for so long when I don't mean it.

We get told that now we're going into Phase 2. What is this mysterious Phase 2 you ask? All the women go to one side of the room and all the men go to the other side. We grab a blank piece of paper and about 2 inches big write our badge number down. Next we swap sides. Here's where it got interesting. If you hadn't written down someone's badge number you would find it on the table and you could write down your information and if they were interested, they could get in touch. Guess who was a mean bitch and didn't write any numbers down? So my friends and I pretended for a minute to be looking for a page and then went back to our seats. We wrapped up and were dismissed and told to grab our pages on the way out.

My friends and I as well as my old boss and her friends congregated outside swapping notes like a giggling gaggle of girls. We compared each others lists to see who had the most success. Some had 5 numbers or 7, all their numbers were pretty similar. I scanned my list, counting in my head... 15. Fifteen men had found me interesting, pretty, whatever enough to write down my number. I quickly thought back and realized that it must have been every single one I met with. I have never had such an ego boost in my life. Me? The girl who was bullied for so many reasons that affected my self esteem. Me? The girl who had been cheated on more times than she'd like to admit. Me? The recently dumped. Here it was different. Here I was a goddess on high to these men. I never felt better about myself and it gave me such a confidence boost. I could do this. I can date. I can find men who will fall at my feet. I know, I know, now I'm starting to sound a bit pretentious, but damn it felt good.

One of my friends we realized had a weird drawing on her page. It looked like a giant flower with a plane that looked like a cross between a phaser and a penis... None of us could figure it out, but it was next to a particular name... Q. And look who was right next to us buying some more liquid courage at the bar. We all giggled trying to figure out who would go over to him and ask him about it. I decided what the hell and went marching over. "Excuse me," I said as sweetly as possible, "but my friends and I were wondering about your drawing." So he takes the paper and does the drunk back and forth with his arm trying to figure it out himself. Finally he says "I think it was the beach..." So I point to the flying phallic object and ask, "so what's this?" He just started laughing and said, "Oh... that's someone else's, I didn't draw that." I swapped snapchat info with him and said goodbye heading back to my giggling group to report back. Let's just say Phaser Penis became a pretty key part of the weekend.

Overall it wasn't as bad as we imagined it would be and we had some good laughs about it. And if I'm ever feeling down about myself I can just look at a sheet with the numbers of 15 desperate souls and feel damn good again.










And so it begins...

Okay so I have to admit... Tinder is kind of great. It's actually a lot of fun. I feel like I'm at a buffet and can just chose what I do or don't want and I can't hurt any of their feelings. It feels a little mean sometimes, but hey, they don't know. At first I didn't really want to swipe many people right, but the friend who set me up told me that usually you'll only get as far as talking to them and to just swipe right whenever my little heart desired. And away I went...

I'm not kidding, I was on there until 1 in the morning... And then I came across a weird fetish posting and figured that was probably the universe's sign for me to get my ass to bed.

So far I've come across a few guys who seem pretty cool, 2 people I know and would NEVER date, and a few weirdos. I've also decided there seems to be a universal principle. If a man's first picture is with his dog, he's ugly. I'm sorry, I know that's mean and I feel like such a bitch even saying it, but it's true. It's as if they're saying "But look at the puppies!" and hoping you won't see them in the background.

I've matched with a few people and so far I really like this one guy, we'll call him The Italian. We talked for a while last night and I gave him my number this morning. He seems really sweet and smart and he has my same kind of silly humor. We'll see where it leads :)

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Tales of a Serial Monogamist

So I decided I'm ready to start dating casually. While it's only been a month since my ex has been gone, there's a lot that's happened both while we were together and now that we're separated that has helped speed this process up. He lies a lot now and that is one of my biggest pet peeves. When someone lies to you not only is it dishonesty, but it's disrespectful because they believe you're stupid enough to believe it. He's also just had so much anger and an overall bad mood/attitude that it's become unpleasant. It's gotten to the point where I doubt he could win me back even if he wanted to.

So like I said, I'm ready to casually date. I'm not jumping into any serious relationships any time soon. I've never done casual dating and always end up being with people long term, but I want this to be different. There's nothing wrong with having multiple casual dates and I deserve to be wined and dined. The only thing is that I'm used to meeting people the old fashioned way... and no one meets like that anymore. So tonight at the behest of many friends... I set up a Tinder. The one thing I said I would NEVER EVER do, I did. To be fair, one of my friends actually set it up for me. I'm calling her my Fairy Fuck-mother. I guess I'll give this a whirl and see how it goes. Can't hurt right?

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Lessons learned from ecology

Recently in my ecology class we watched a clip from a documentary about certain kinds of birds and their mating behaviors. You see the male birds go way out of their way to make themselves more attractive, to build the best nest, do the best dance, collect the best blue objects and so on in the hopes of wooing a female. In many cases the female visits the male and then goes of to consider while comparing him to other males. My immediate comment in class? Human males are slacking!

Have you ever noticed that women do 95% of the work? It's hair and makeup and shaving and perfume and the right outfit and shoes. Dozens of minuscule little details, most of which men don't even notice, and we're the ones putting on the display. What the hell? When did this happen?

You see I've recently realized that I've been playing the game wrong my entire dating life. Early on I didn't feel attractive and I was made to feel that if I wanted to be worthy of the attention of men, I was going to have to put in the work. That's bull and I'm not doing it any more.

My professor said it best: Eggs are expensive and sperm is cheap.

See the animal kingdom still gets this. Females get to be choosy, we've got the rarer and more precious commodity. See a man can go around and mate with lots of females, but the female only gets the one chance to pass on her genes. It pays to be picky. So now the males have to compete and show her why they are worthy. She can afford to be aloof and make them wait and sweat it out while she makes her decision. Passing on their genes depends on her. Now while human dating isn't typically about passing on genes (usually we're trying to avoid that for a good long while) the principle should still translate. I have no idea how the whole idea got flipped around, but I am reclaiming it.

I feel powerful. I am woman, hear me roar. Yeah, I'm getting carried away, but fuck it. For the first time I feel like I'm worth something. I am worth being adored, chased and pursued.

So put on your best display guys, you're going to have to work to impress me.


Also if you want a laugh you can watch the clip I'm talking about. I'm telling you, guys are slacking.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Underage nerds need not apply

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a younger man... if you're into that. I'm over it. In my opinion you have to subtract at least 3 years from a guy's age to get his maturity level and I'm looking for a man not a boy. Here's my predicament: I'm back in university. I've made my peace with the fact that everyone's life is on their own time table and all that jazz, but the men here are, well,  boys. Every decent looking guy I've met on campus is at most 22 and anyone I've met who's older is WAYYY older.

Imagine my disappointment when a nice, decent looking, intellectual guy on campus and I exchange numbers and I later find out he's 20. TWENTY. 2-0. He wouldn't even be able to take me out to certain places. So thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to be someone's cougar. And yes I'm fully aware that while I'm nearing 30 I'm not anywhere near Cougarville, I'd much prefer someone my age or a few years older. An older guy doesn't have time for bullshit and usually has his life figured out. I want to be someone's partner, not their mother. While I'm all for taking care of one another, I cannot and will not be the one doing all the work.

So sorry boys, but I'm looking for a man.

Monday, October 10, 2016

And so it ends...

I just want to say that this post is in no way complete and is going to be very long. I need to keep coming back to add in all the details. _______________________________________________________________________________
I've started this blog, at the suggestion of a friend, to catalog everything that's happening right now. Good, bad, weird, all of it. You see I'm what people call a serial monogamist. I'm more wife than girlfriend, but boy do I know how to pick'em. Somehow I always end up with men that are the worst possible choice and just keep seeing the good in them. It's not necessarily that they're bad people (for the most part), they just aren't the right fit for me and I somehow stick it out. I'm going to be completely straightforward and tell you right now that I am backlogging some of these posts because in the first days of my breakup I wouldn't have been able to do this. It took everything in me to put on a brave face and go to school, work and let's not forget, be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.

I won't be using real names just because I have too much respect for people, even when they've hurt me.

My ex and I have been together for 6 years and 8 months... to the day. And now it's over.
Wednesday night he was a little odd, but really nothing out of the ordinary. He fell asleep on the couch which always annoys me. I never sleep well when he isn't in bed. Thursday morning I had a later class than he did so he wanted to let me sleep in and just gave me a quiet kiss before he left and said he loved me. Over the course of the day I texted him a few times, but I never got an answer. While I thought it was odd, he was notorious for leaving his phone on silent or not checking it for hours. Now, usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays we'd get lunch together since we have a break at the same time. I sent him a text letting him know where I was and again got no answer and never even ran into him even though we're in the same buildings at the same times.

I waited until after class to try to get in touch with him again, this time I tried to call. I hadn't heard from him since 6:30 in the morning and now it was almost 5 at night.