Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Penis Naming and Condom Costs

So I had a conversation with The Fairy FuckMother today about an odd thing I've noticed with men... a lot of them like to name their dicks...

Who knows why.

Since she's a lesbian she hasn't encountered this and so we had a few good laughs about the whole thing. I've personally met The General and a particularly tiny chode known as The Anaconda. I asked if any of the women she's been with have ever named their business... apparently not. Although after a fit of giggles I decided I'm going to start calling mine the cave of wonders.

Honestly, same.

We decided to send a SnapChat to a gay friend of ours to find out if this is unique to straight men... turn out it is. Hey straight guys, stop doing weird shit.

Update: We've started asking random men if they name theirs and if so what they call it.

So anyway, after our riveting chat about penis naming we switched topics. I've been having some particularly racy chats with Old Friend and although I'm not a typical Tinderella (no judgement, you do you girl) I have a pretty strong feeling we're going to sleep together. I've known him forever and I feel pretty comfortable with him and hey... I have needs, okay?

Although I pretty much knew the answer, I had to ask Fairy FuckMother, do I buy the rubbers? I mean part of me expects men to take that responsibility on for themselves, but most men aren't too bright, even the smart ones do stupid stuff. She and I both agree that it's probably best for me to be prepared because then if he isn't, we're still on to boogie. So after classes I decided I'd drive my ass to CVS to pick up some love gloves (side note: do people still call them that?)

I'm gonna give you a little side story here folks. No judgement though, okay? I was with my ex for 7 years... when do you think the last time we used condoms was? Give you a hint, I can't remember. We were both clean and used other methods. Not gonna lie, it was pretty nice. I remembered before that having some discomfort with condoms. Now I know they aren't all created equal, but when you're broke and young you use what you can get.

Now I have a new problem... what if I don't like condom sex because I've been spoiled? I love sex. I don't want to give it up or worse... have bad sex! So I did what anyone else would do; I Googled.

Never did I think I was going to have to type the phrase: we didn't use condoms, how do I get used to using them again.

Look, if you don't ask, you can't know. And wouldn't you know it, I found an article from a girl in EXACTLY my situation. She was in a 7 year relationship with her boyfriend, they never used condoms, they broke up and she was back in the dating scene and had no frickin clue. YES!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!!

Let me just tell you, home girl is the real MVP. She fucking researched the best condoms by feel and put them to the test! Patron Saint of Single Ladies. Just saying.


So after reading her thorough review I decided on what I was getting. So I put on my big girl panties and march into CVS and head right to the rubbers. Here were my exact thoughts:

Wow! There is a LOT more variety now.
Alright, where the fuck are the ones I want?
Come on, in and out, let's go! Find them and get out of here.
Oh! That's them!
12 pack?! I don't think I need 12... maybe they have one of those little travel packs.
Nope, only the shitty kind in the travel packs.
Okay guess I'll get 12, what the hell, I'll use 'em.
... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THESE FUCKERS ARE HOW MUCH?!

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Trojan Pleasure Pack 12 Count cost me $17

That's over a dollar per fuck... better be worth it.

And granted, yes cheaper than a pregnancy and better than an STD and I did pay a premium to not feel like I was fucking a guy wearing rainboot thick rubber, but STILL! You want to reduce STD numbers and pregnancies? Make good condoms for better prices. I didn't even get the most expensive kind! (Update: I checked and Amazon has them cheaper, so if I need a restock I know where I'm going)

Time will tell if these puppies were worth it.

Tales of A Sexting Virgin

I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I like and all that jazz, but I've never had someone in my life who could tête–à–tête so to speak. See in the bedroom I have no qualms about giving directions or explaining what I want, but I've never had the experience of sexting someone. My exs were all too dumb or too disinterested to respond in kind. I would try to initiate and get shut down which does wonders for killing the mood.

My good friend and Fairy Fuck-mother has been guiding through this process and has definitely encouraged me to explore all avenues. She's also a big advocate for textual foreplay as I'm calling it. 

Old Friend has been giving me the experience of a lifetime. The stuff he sends me literally ends up giving me chills. There's something so satisfying about dirty texting at the most inappropriate of times. She was right, it's very gratifying.

As a side note, this now constitutes as the longest foreplay of my life. No matter how tonight turns out, this was worth it.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Heating up my cold nights...

Okay so I know that I'm sick as a dog and all, but sometimes you can't what else you're feeling. Look I'm going to be totally honest with you guys... it's been like 2 months since I've gotten laid and it is not easy. I'm not going to turn into a Tinder slut, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a total prude either.

So while I was too sick to talk to/go out with The Cowboy (honestly, interest in this one faded faaast) I wasn't too sick to talk to The Old Friend. He started out our conversation asking if people who already know each other can just skip the cheesy Tinder pick up lines. We caught up a bit and started flirting with each other and we have a date booked for Tuesday. We've been talking for almost a week now and things have been heating up between us. Let me give you some backstory...

You see Old Friend and I go back at least a decade, all the way back to our high school years. I had a crush on him at one point, but he was always dating someone, including at one point a friend (not a close friend, but more than an acquaintance.) We ran into each other in college a few times and sort of stayed in touch on and off. I think it's because of this our conversations have just been so natural. There isn't this need to impress each other and figure each other out because we already know each other so we can focus more on the dating and flirting aspects. He's very funny and very intelligent and apparently as horny as I am.

The first few days were just catching up and joking around, making plans and the like. Then I joked about how cold it's been and how great it would be to have someone to snuggle up with. Much like snuggling, the conversation escalated fairly quickly. The conversation turned into playfully dirty texting. And in the back of my mind I kept thinking back to how I had heard that even in high school he was pretty good in bed... Leave it to me to be hacking up a lung and chugging Delsym and still wanting to get laid. I'm pretty sure part of my brain is male.

So talk of cuddling quickly went to kissing and biting. And then that escalated too... This very quickly became written foreplay and can now go down as the hottest conversation I have ever had. I won't go into details, but it basically turned into us telling each other what we like and him then proceeding to tell me things he could do to me. He does it in such a way that it isn't crude, it's sexy. It's like a breathy whisper that just turns you on. And somehow even without me telling him, he knows exactly what works for me. We'll have to see if he walks the walk so to speak...

Now again, I was NOT planning on jumping into bed with anyone... but for the record let me just say again that I have known him for a decade. Now while I don't care what people do, I've never been the type to just sleep with anyone and everyone... but I have needs and he seems very qualified to take care of them.

You see last night as our conversation got steamier I had to give myself a talk. I am a grown ass woman and if I want to sleep with someone I can and no one is going to judge me and if they do I don't give a damn. It's hard for me to change my whole mindset, but my old mindset kept getting me in the same shitty situations with the same types of shitty boyfriends. So it's out with old and in with the new.

We're going out tomorrow night and I can't wait. No matter how it turns out I'm sure it's going to be an amazing night out. He's smart and he's funny and we have great conversations. In case the night goes really well though, I'm leaving my work clothes in the car ;)


Sunday, November 20, 2016

My Date with The Italian

So as you know this was the date I was looking forward to the most so far. He's sweet, intelligent and shares my ridiculous sense of humor. We had plans for dinner at a Mexican place in Newport (guac is the way to my heart) and I got myself all dolled up... I didn't know it was going to drizzle.
Dear Mother Nature,
Piss off. I finally felt well enough to go on a date and you fucked up my hair. Thanks a lot.

Date prep included taking an allergy pill while washing it down with Delsym and tons of allergy eye drops before putting in my contacts. Got my hair done by the girl at work. Put on some lingerie (hey you never know!) and half my arsenal of makeup. All of this made me look like a reasonably healthy person, so mission accomplished.

After searching for parking and finally finding the restaurant I met him at the door, we actually walked up at pretty much the same time. Quick hug and kiss on the cheek and we went in.

He hadn't made reservations...

Okay... strike one. I know this might sound silly, but that's kind of a basic date prep step. It's an hour and a half wait...But alright, no worries, let's see how he handles it.

So he asks me what I want to do, do I want to walk around and see what else there might be? So I said sure and we strolled through Newport (in a drizzle) getting to know one another. Finally I said, "Do you want to go get a drink?" and we found a bar and headed into the warmth.

I got one drink and was tipsy as fuck... Granted it had like 4 kinds of booze in it, but still! I swear something happens in your mid twenties where if you don't keep up with it, your tolerance goes waaaay down.

So the restaurant texts us and says our table is ready and I guzzle down the rest of my drink. Let's just think this through for a sec, shall we?
- One strong as fuck drink
- One now tipsy girl
- 4 inch heels on said girl
- A mix of sidewalk and cobblestone

Well this is going to be cute...

So I hop off my chair, at a high top table nonetheless, and quickly realize this is going to take a lot of effort to make it back to the restaurant. Well this sweet (and sauve) gentleman puts his arm around me and holds me to make sure I'm okay. I quickly explain that this is not par for the course for me and I hope he doesn't hold it against me. (In the back of my mind I'm thinking, Oh yeah, because he is definitely going to hold it against you that you gave him a reason to touch you.)

So we finally get to the restaurant after many giggles and more chatting and as we sit down I realize: even though I haven't eaten, I'm suddenly not hungry. So we order the guacamole that he's told me so much about. He ends up trying to feed me which is kind of cute (albeit a little odd for a first date) until you really think about it. Chips and guac is not easy to feed to someone. It's not like a seductive bite off someone's fork, this is a chip. Chips break apart... so I sort of had to help hold the chip so it wouldn't break and land with guac on my dress. His intentions were sweet.

So we've been out for a couple of hours, we've done some hand holding, and he's brushed his hand on my thigh a few times. We're sitting pretty close together, I'm ever so slightly leaned in, I'm giving him the look and... nothing is happening. We start talking again. Okay reset, let's try again... nope still nothing. This goes on for probably an hour.

And then he finally kissed me...

Whelp... that was disappointing.

He checks lots of my boxes, but kissing is pretty much my favorite part, and this was... bad.

So lemme give you the break down of how a first kiss should go, just in case you don't know.
You both lean in ever so slightly, each one moving just the tiniest bit closer.
Your lips sort of brush together in a soft way a few times.
Then as you start to get a feel for one another, your lips part and maybe if you start to get adventurous you might start using some tongue.

What you don't do is swallow the other person whole...

I'm gonna chalk it up to nerves... for now. He went in open mouthed and way too wide and a bit aggressive for my liking. I tried a few pullbacks to give him the hint, but nope. And then... oh the nail in the coffin... smile "That was nice..." No. No commentary. Just no. Shut up and let your mouth do the talking... no wait that doesn't work either. You know what I mean.

So the date comes to a close, we plan a second date (he's a great guy so he gets a chance to make up for bad kissing) and he walks me to my car. We do the goodnight kiss and it's slightly better. This time hands get involved and he pulls me in close to him... okay NOW we're getting somewhere. Still not the best kiss, but better than before.

Side note: Worst kiss I ever had was from a very short term boyfriend. I nicknamed him The Dentist... he licked my teeth during it... It was like 14 years ago and I still cringe.

Overall I really liked him and so he's getting another chance, next Friday night.

I'll keep you posted.

Friday, November 18, 2016

A hot weekend goes cold

Well this sucks... Here I was all excited for the first of many scheduled dates and someone on campus has given me the plague. Okay so maybe it's not the plague, but it feels like the flu and that's just as bad for my dating life. Tonight was supposed to be my date with The Cowboy and I confirmed with him last night and everything. Too bad this morning I feel like I was hit by a truck despite 2 nights of Theraflu already and taking allergy medicine with Delsym. I can actually feel the hate coming from my liver right now, but if I stop being able to breathe it won't really matter.

I felt like a total bitch this morning, but I texted The Cowboy to let him know and he took 8 hours to text back. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad about it. Not only was I driving an hour to meet him for line dancing, but he started getting a little weird in his texts, so goodbye! Another one bites the dust! And there are lots more waiting for dates.

The other reason I wanted to cancel was that I'm seeing The Italian tomorrow and I'm super into him. If I don't rest today, I'll never be better in time for our date. So tonight it's another disgusting mug of Theraflu and an early turn in with the hopes that tomorrow I'm not a disgusting incubus of plague.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

A harem of men

Remember back when I said how addicting swiping on Tinder is? You can REALLY get caught up in it. Yes there are a few weirdos like people who want you to be the third in their threesome or who openly ask if you want to help them cheat on their girlfriend. On the flip side there are also some decent guys and a lot of opportunities for good conversations. It's like interviewing before they actually get your number or a date and if you don't like them there are a dozen more waiting. It's all very new to me, but definitely more exciting and less scary than I was expecting.

I have quite a few guys I've been talking to and it's so hard to keep track! Especially because there are 3 sets of 2 guys with the same name. It's also hard to keep track of the conversations. So my new plan is that every time a conversation fizzles out I'll replace him with a new guy and then I won't overwhelm myself. I feel like such a conversation slut. My date count is up to 5 (all pending) and I am feeling gooood. My ex was extra douche-y via text and so it makes it even better. Also I love the irony that he's still paying my phone bill and I'm using said phone to meet men and schedule dates. Sometimes I just let that feeling sink in. Now I know why the Sith just want you to let the hate flow through you. Sometimes it's good to be bad.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Speed dating followed me home

While there were many giggles to be had about the whole speed dating thing, I think I assumed it would be a What Happens At ComicCon type situation.

Oh how wrong I was.

Yes, I'm being a bit dramatic, but if I wasn't you wouldn't still be reading. Anyway it turns out that one of the guys I talked with who gave me his number goes to my university... fuck. I got out of an exam and was hanging out with some friends when I see a familiar face that I can't place... and then he gives me this dreamy look and a shy little wave and that's when I remember. This little ewok looking guy was at speed dating and now knows where I go to school. I'm going to have to remember to dodge him. I'm sure he's nice, but the speed dating was just for fun.